Posted on May 03 2016
Its been a tough week, health wise. Every time I planned on getting a ton of things done, sorted out, accomplished, something goes wrong. Now more then ever it has been my health. I feel like when I was going through chemo, I was so determined to be "okay" I pushed through almost every kind of pain and discomfort, both emotional and physical. The driving force behind my perseverance was the idea that once all of this hell is over, I will be okay. I will be healthy. I will be back to normal.
Its been a year since my last chemo, and eight months since last radiation treatment. I went back to work, back to my exercise routine, back to life ... full force. Not accepting the glaring facts which told me, that I am not the same person I was a year ago. My "normal' has changed.
Until I realized this fact, I was actually hurting myself with my good intentions to be "back to normal". Going back to work too soon, exercising too hard, and not resting as often as I should have. I laid in bed for three days, with yet another sinus infection, 103 fever, and my head feeling like small grenades were going off in my nasal cavity, I was exhausted. I did not want to get up. Exhausted to fight, exhausted to look for things that are positive in my life, exhausted to be alive.
I know this sounds sad, but in reality it was eye opening. I needed to reflect. What was I doing wrong? Then I realized its okay to admit to myself mostly, that me adjusting my attitude to match my current condition is not a sign of weakness. People who love me, will continue to love me, even if I am no longer the "superwoman' I believed myself to be.
I can still make a difference. Can still be a good mother, a good friend, and a good partner. Adjusting means I can re-adjust when things are better. When I am better, but I can't heal if I don't admit to myself that I must adjust. And not be ashamed to do so.